


Carry Me Home

by madelinescribbles



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: A 'Taako misses Lup even if he doesn't know it' fic, Alcohol, Drunk Taako, Gen, I wrote this to get past some writer's block, Lucretia like Griffin is voicing her, Merle Has 1999 Party Points
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 18:48:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13277685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madelinescribbles/pseuds/madelinescribbles
Summary: Taako's drunk, and it feels like something is missing...





	Carry Me Home

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Avi's flask in Moonlighting, it’s technically canon that alcohol dulls the effects of the Voidfish.

Taako is starting to think that he might have accidentally transmuted Magnus’ drink instead of his own, because the dude is such a heavyweight that he won’t get even a little buzzed unless he’s used the Tankard of Potent Drink, and Taako feels _way_ more disoriented than he should after three sips of Avi’s bootlegged garbage.

That’s what he gets for not looking where he was casting. Though in his defense, Taako does not drink beer. Taako has standards. At least as civilized as a martini. A flask of vodka if he’s really desperate.

So yeah, he’d kept the alcohol content the same when he transfigured what he thought was his beer into a drink he likes to call “Fantasy Elton John’s Winter Bikini and Soda,” assuming he’d get slightly tipsy and still look fabulous, but now Taako is starting to feel closer to the “slammed” end of the intoxication slider.

Most of the Bureau’s employees shuffled around behind him, dancing to one of Johann’s mixtapes being magically amplified by the hot air genasi from the Arcana & IT department (not to be confused with the ugly earth genasi from Accounting). One of the Seekers that put this party on was smart enough not only to enchant the invitations so that the Director couldn’t read them, but also cast a silence spell around the dining hall so that she had no reason to suspect anything was happening.

Avi had insisted it was some kind of party to celebrate finding the Philosopher’s Stone, so Taako had convinced Magnus and Merle to attend too. Merle was reluctant to go, but once he arrived he became the LIFE of the party. It was insane. He still isn’t sure how he does it, because Merle couldn’t cast a charm to save his life or anyone else’s, but he is tearing it up on the dance floor – hell, the dude was crowd surfing at one point and Taako could have sworn he saw three stone of far-speech numbers written on his arm. He couldn’t believe his eyes; if Taako were to rate everyone at the party with points out of 10, Merle would have 1,999.

Magnus isn’t as explosive, but the dude has such rustic (non-magical) charm and enough of a reputation that people swarmed him too. He mostly stuck to Carey, who in turn stuck to Killian, who in turn was trying desperately to keep No.3113 away from any alcohol, despite the fact that she was a half-ton robot that couldn’t drink if she tried. Killian still insisted she was underage.

Taako is watching her knock away all solo cups in a 5-foot radius in time with the music when-

“I think she used to be a ranger.”

He starts so hard he nearly falls out of his seat.

“Sorry, sir! I didn’t mean to scare you like that!”

“Agnes? H’what? You’re like-” Taako hiccups, “-five.”

The hiccup and slurring was a little embarrassing. But to be fair, the entire night was more than a little embarrassing for Taako. See, Taako, is a natural people-pleaser. A god among men. The greatest thing to ever happen to the shitty rock people call “The Moon.” At a party? If you get Taako there, you never have to throw another party ever again. Merle may be the best partier in history, but Taako is the reason the party exists in the first place. He talks to everyone, and he’s above every conversation but the people he talks to are too enraptured to notice. He knows what songs to play for a good mosh pit to start, he knows who to set up with whom for a great night with only a glance across the floor, and, as always, he is always the most gorgeous person in attendance. No. Matter. What.

But tonight, Taako sits at the makeshift bar by himself, because Taako has a horrible secret.

He’s a depressing drunk.

Taako’s rule of thumb is to never go beyond buzzed in public, but a little too much of what was formerly Magnus’ drink has broken that rule. He’d suddenly felt so… deflated. About 15 minutes ago, the human he was talking to seemed to realize that Taako’s heart wasn’t into their conversation and excused themself, leaving him to wander aimlessly around the party before realizing all two of his actual friends were busy, forcing him to retire to the “bar.” This “bar” is really just four dining hall tables pushed together and lined with booze that Avi is mixing feverishly to meet the demands of the party.

Normally he would have jumped in with Merle, or cast polymorph to see if he can get Magnus to cry over a dog on the moon, or even sneak some booze into No.3113’s hand just to see Killian wig, but he suddenly felt like no one he could talk to would be the right person. He felt like something was missing and couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

But it definitely wasn’t _Angus_.

“I’m actually ten, sir, which sure isn’t old enough to drink, but I found Inora’s invitation on her desk, and even though it was enchanted against little boys, I found a potion that would let me read it! And then I blackmailed Avi into letting me in, which he did, as long as I didn’t drink any alcohol! I don’t know why he’s so worried. Caleb Cleveland talks all the time about the dangers of underage drinking – I would never!”

So Angus is just dumping his shit on him, huh.

“…Well, ok.”

Apparently he said that out loud. Oops. Oh well, no skin off his nose.

“You said that too, sir. I think Merle cast a Zone of Truth over the entire room as a party trick a few minutes ago.”

“Fuuuuuhuhuhuhuck off, Angus.” That’s not even how Zone of Truth works.

“But you’re drunk and rolled a one, so.”

“What?”

“I was saying I think Killian used to be a ranger! Before she joined the Bureau, I mean. Just based on her skills as a Regulator, tracking and fighting, Plus her protectiveness of No.3113.”

“Good for her. Fuck off.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m depressed and drunk and everything feels wrong.” Taako blinks in surprise at his own voice, “Um. Didn’t mean to say those words.”

He tries to form the sentence “I’m fine, go away,” but he physically cannot, and curses Merle internally. Though, thanks to the spell, he does it externally too.

“Goddamnit, Merle. Taako doesn’t do truth.”

“What feels wrong, Taako?” Angus asks in his “sweet little boy” voice, which means he’s digging for info on a case. In this instance, the “case” is Taako’s alcohol-induced moodiness. But no matter how had he tries, Taako cannot physically prevent himself from talking. His resistance efforts only cause him to grit it out from a clamped jaw.

“Something… is… missing.”

He wants to get up and walk away from the questioning, but he can’t bring himself to move. He can’t leave until… something. The thing that’s bothering him is the reason he can’t leave.

He puts on the biggest, most disarming grin, perfectly imitating his suave sober air for a moment as he waves his hand at the manic Avi for a shot. If he’s not leaving the party drunk, he might as well leave it hungover the next morning.

“What’s missing, sir?”

Avi slides Taako a Kamikaze, eyeing Angus warily for a moment before returning to the mass of party-goers at the other end of the shitty bar.

The moment he turns around Taako’s smile drops into a tired frown.

“I don’t know, bubbeleh.”

Taako snaps his fingers and two seconds later a mage hand appears by his side with the Tankard of Potent Drink, still transformed into a cocktail glass. He pours the shot inside, taps the lip of the glass eight times to multiply the potency as many, and slams it.

“Sir-“

“Nyuh-uh-uh!” Taako lifts one finger up off the Tankard-glass to shush him and starts massaging his temples with his free hand, “Zip it, boy wonder, trying to black out here.”

Angus falls silent for a moment while Taako takes a deep breath and lets the alcohol settle into his bloodstream. He may or may not cast a charm to make it work faster.

“Whatdoyourememberaboutwhatsmissing?” Angus says quickly before Taako can interrupt him.

“Y-you little-” Taako’s words are slurring even more now, “You’re sleuthing me!” he cries. But it doesn’t matter, he’s been Zone of Truth’d.

“I… remember…”

He thinks he remembers someone there, last time he was this wasted.

Not here. There. Wherever the fuck “There” is. He doesn’t have the faintest idea where “There” would have been. It’s just... there. Or. Not there. It was “There” and now it’s “Not There.” No that’s not right either. It was “There” and now it’s not there. Now “There” is not there. “There” is capitalized but “not there” is not. Not capitalized, that is. Or quoted. But only the second “there.” Wait. Shit. Where? He was too drunk for this.

“…Someone?”

Angus’ eyes light up.

“Who?”

Taako tries to think, he really does. He focuses as hard as he can on the someone, but can’t quite put a face to it. The feeling is so clear. The warmth, the love, someone who has his back, who he knows will carry him home. It’s so familiar, so important, but he can’t remember her na-

“Her.”

“Her?” Angus asks.

“Her. She’s… missing?” His head is spinning. It even kind of hurts. He must be insanely drunk. He did ingest the equivalent of eight shots in one go.

Angus, meanwhile, is _floored_ by the idea of a missing persons’ case.

“Who is she, sir?” He practically bounces up and down in his seat.

Taako’s mind feels like it’s swimming through sand. He can’t push his thoughts beyond “She’s missing.” He can’t picture her face, but he remembers looking at her all the time. He can’t remember her name but he could have sworn he knew it like his own. Whenever he tries to think about what the word “missing” implies, his mind goes blank.

“…This makes no sense… I’m gay.”

“Ok.” Angus’ excitement slowly deflates into confusion, “I mean, I guess that rules out ‘lost love,’ but it doesn’t really answer the question.”

Taako doesn’t reply, but instead idly takes out a small bottle and pops a few fantasy ibuprofen into his mouth to help with the sudden searing migraine he has. And here he thought alcohol was supposed to dull the pain.

Before he can swallow Angus tackles him and shoves a tiny hand into his mouth.

“AH-UH UHT UH UHCK?” Taako shouts around the fingers swabbing the inside of his cheek.

“You can’t take medication, sir! You’ve been drinking!” Angus squeaks as he finally rips the tiny half-dissolved pills out of Taako’s mouth.

At this point, a few of the partiers plus Avi are staring at Angus pinning him and sticking his fingers down his windpipe, so Taako decides now is a great time to get the  _fuck_ out before he has to explain that he accidentally almost killed himself at a _work party._

He flicks his wrist and Blinks into the ethereal plane.

A bewildered Angus drops a few inches to the floor without a body beneath him, and Taako scoots to the side so that Angus isn’t eerily phasing into his ethereal torso.

The creepy eyes are still there, but vanish when he looks up at them, as usual.

For a moment, he watches Angus whipping his head around to find him, before sighing and staggering drunkenly to his feet.

Everything is much more muted in the ethereal plane, which does wonders for his migraine, and he manages to only stumble a few times as he pushes himself into the crowd. About 10 feet away from his body he hit the wall which indicated the range limit on the spell, found an empty square foot, and Blinked back into existence.

Fortunately, everyone else seemed to be half as drunk as he was, so he was able slip through the partiers and out the mess dome undetected.

Unfortunately, drunk Taako has disadvantage on stealth, and he doesn’t have the same luck on the way to his suite. He turns the corner of a long hallway in the dormitory dome and runs smack into the Director.

She looks startled, wearing a pale blue night gown with matching slippers, her white hair in Leia buns (drunk Taako wonders what the _fuck_ a “Leia” is and why he thought to call her hair that), clutching what appears to be a journal – an old one by the looks of the binding – very tightly to her chest.

It is only after he takes inventory of her appearance that he realizes he’s on the ground, because drunk Taako also has the coordination of a toddler.

“Taako!” she seems to be informing herself more than addressing him. She reaches out a hand to help him up.

“Lucy!” he calls drunkenly, and it’s almost imperceptible, but she definitely flinches a little at the name.

“Tha’s your name, right?” He takes her hand, “Lucretia? Lucy for sho-”

She interrupts him by yanking him to his feet.

“Don’t call me that please,” she says calmly, “It may be after hours, and I may not, um, be in the most formal clothing, but I, uh, I do ask that you call me Director, or at least Lucretia.”

“What crawled up her ass and died?” he stage whispers to the empty air on his left. When he sees that there’s no one there he looks to the other side and becomes inexplicably disappointed at the vacancy there as well. He knits his eyebrows, trying to figure out why he even looked for someone in the first place, before remembering the familiar ache and the “Her.” It was such an easy thought to lose, but a hard feeling to shake.

“Are you drunk, Taako?”

He would describe the look on her face as “bittersweet.” Like she wanted to laugh at his behavior but also kind of pitied him.

Taako doesn’t need pity.

“Whatever?” he didn’t mean for it to come out as a question, but drunk Taako tends to take artistic liberties, so, “I’m? I’m goin’ t’ bed.”

He shoves past her and stumbles a few feet before running into the wall and tripping over himself. He’s on the ground and makes no effort to get back up.

“Holy shit, Taako, how much did you drink?” The Director asks, kneeling beside him and slinging one of his arms over her shoulder

“Fan’asy El’on John’s Win’er Bikini,” he mumbles.

“What now?”

“An’ eight shots.”

She pauses halfway through the motion of helping him stand.

“What the- _eight_? Who gave you _eight shots?”_

“Technically? Garfield. But like, he wouldn’t know it…” he trails off, “You ever notice how that guy doesn’t have a face?”

“What? No. Forget that. Taako, why did you drink eight shots?” she’s guiding him through the hallways of the dormitory dome to the Reclaimers’ suite now (in the exact opposite direction Taako was wandering).

“Nice try. No Zone of Truth here, baby!” he declares. He gives a short laugh but cuts it off to swallow some of the vomit that suddenly lurches up his throat.

“Oh-kay, that’s gross,” she sighs.

“Hey, if you weren’ carryin’ me home I probably woulda just done it on the floor, an’ then it’d be your problem in the morning.”

She chuckles a little at that.

“Fair enough.”

They finally make it back to the Reclaimers’ suite, and the Director helps Taako flop onto his extravagant, lacy, king-sized canopy bed, which looks absolutely ridiculous across from Merle’s naked mattress and Magnus’ weiner dog bedsheets.

She pulls off his boots, throws one of the three downy comforters on top of him, and conjures a glass of water for his bedside table before heading out.

“Thanks, Lucy,” Taako mumbles as she turns away, “You’re not Her, but it was nice to not walk home alone.”

She freezes in the doorway, shocked still for just a moment.

“Who, Taako?” she asks.

“Just… Her. I can’t…” his voice trails off and his face goes blank for a moment, lost in a thought he can’t quite reach before he blinks out of it and nods at her, “You know.”

Lucretia sighs and hugs her journal a bit closer to her chest.

“Yeah, I know.”

She shuts off the light as she leaves.

**Author's Note:**

> Taako remembers nothing of the night and refuses to talk about it with Angus.
> 
> Lucretia hates herself for this.
> 
> These are Magnus' bedsheets: http://stories.barkpost.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/d1d6_showdogs_percale_r15_web.jpeg


End file.
